21. How to Be A Person — These are the People in your Victimhood

The Newsletter from Bold Acting for Thursday May 23rd, 2024

What stories are you telling yourself?

Victimhood is the neighbourhood I used to live in (but I’m not talking about trauma. I’m just talking about how the ego hijacks.)

A favourite story I used to tell myself was the one where I absolve myself of all responsibility for bad things happening. It was in 1993 and a friend of mine accused me of hitting on his girl. I would never have done such a thing. He was way stronger than me, older than me, I looked-up to him. I remember mooning about Banff (I don’t know why we were in Banff) horrified at the charges. Why was this happening to me? I had done nothing wrong. I would never consider such a thing. Even though it was right around this time I was hooking-up with Shawna … who had a boyfriend named John.

Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. I wasted so much time feeling sorry for myself.

Some Other Stories We Like To Tell Ourselves:

- We’re dehydrated and we need to carry around water bottles the size of pony kegs or we will turn into dust and blow away. The truth is the human thirst mechanism is alive and well. You’re not dehydrated, you’re just thirsty. Dehydration is a serious medical condition. As a rule of thumb, try not to take health advice from the Nestle Corporation.

- We still threaten our children that Santa won’t come if they’re bad. Idle threats, much? My children have gotten everything they asked for no matter the behaviour.

- Recycling. Absolute horseshit. And deep down you know it.

How To Accept An Apology

He apologized to me. He was drunk. I still couldn’t believe the injustice of it all. But I was young. When someone apologizes to you and you accept it that should be the end of it. If accepted the apology wipes the slate clean. Apologizing is the most self-full thing you can do. It gives you your life back. And life is short. Apologies are a fast track to the present moment. They are a French Exit, an Irish Goodbye. Hank Snow movin’ on.

Hank Snow. You can tell he’s a hoser by the size of his cherry.

If it’s our fault then we have agency to change the way we respond to things. Apropos of a disappointing exchange with a stranger my ex-mother-in-law once said “The things people say to me.” Identifying the common denominator in that statement is a highly underrated way to remind oneself we have far more control over how we feel about things.

John had a ponytail. Shawna had the cutest moustache. It’s funny the things you remember.

Martyrdom

It’s my fault is a tool for freedom. It’s not said with a heavy sigh as we go back into the kitchen to scrub the floors, Cinderella. It’s more like a — Well that didn’t work out the way I was hoping. How can I come at this from a different angle. It’s lighter. It’s less work. And I’m always interested in the path of least resistance. Besides, have you noticed no one ever asks for a martyr? They are foisted upon us.

I want more recourse, not less. I want all the recourse. I don’t want to be defeated by something or someone. I want to win.

Life As A Game

A couple weeks ago I got nervous about having to volunteer at the ACTRA Toronto Awards. There are people on council that I disagree with. They disagree with me. Some of us want change faster than others. Also, I don’t like crowds.

Imagine being the Prime Minister. Or a surgeon with someone’s life in your hands. I can’t handle two hours of volunteerism. Meanwhile, my friend Dr. Mark goes around replacing people’s hips for a day job. Perhaps it comes with practice. Maybe gaming everything could help. I’ve noticed high functioning people often speak about treating life like a game. They do the things to win the game but more importantly they know if all else fails they’ll probably be alive when the whistle blows. After all, it’s just a game.

If I’m still alive then I’m doing great.

The opposite of victimhood isn’t a British stiff upper lip, it’s going easy on yourself. It’s not thinking so much, it’s not trashing yourself, I say to myself. Over and over.

Volunteering at the awards was fun. I love actors. They dress-up, they love posing for their picture, they love each other. They’re demonstrative and loud and funny in spite of a lockout by Scott Knox and the ICA that has just had its two year anniversary.

I wonder what Shawna’s up to these days.

After my shift at the registration table was over I walked through the ballroom filled with hundreds of fellow performers. I pretended to talk to one person I was introduced to. Then I went outside, got on my bike and rode to Etobicoke as fast as I could. I began breathing again right around the edge of the city.

Maybe I never liked crowds and I just didn’t know it. Or maybe it’s just a story.

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How to be a Person, The Bold Interview and What I Learned from Reading … are three streams of content under the Bold Acting umbrella. They are all written, produced and edited by me, Jason Bryden.